רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג (aadroma) wrote,
רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג

It has been a long time ...

I am still around, and I apologise for not posting to this sooner.

Man, being a widower is so so so difficult. I have such a new-found understanding of how my mother reacted when she lost my dad. There are times when all you can do is collapse and weep. The stupidest things still set me off, after all this time.

Next week will be eight months since I lost Carl. In a way, it seems like no time at all. The time seems to have blended together, with huge swaths of time becoming indistinguishable from one another. I am still no closer to finding what my next steps are. I have become seriously discontent with my job and the city I live in, and continuing to stay in the home that Carl and I shared can, sometimes, be unbearable.

Yesterday I took a stack of his mail, wrote "DECEASED – RETURN TO SENDER" and finally sent them. The moment the envelopes were released from my hand, I felt my eyes well up, and I can't even explain why, but an enormous amount of grief came over me the moment those envelopes hit the mailbox. And in a way, it makes me feel stupid for that even happening -- it was merely mailing a letter. Why would this be so hard?

I tried to go to a bear run in December, and I'm not sure it was really the best thing for me to do. I have felt very nonsexual since Carl died -- I haven't done anything with anyone since before the event -- and at one point was even confronted about this by a man who I turned down. "Well if you're not gonna fuck, why are you even here??" Further awkwardness occurred when a friend of Carl's saw me, apologised for not going to his visitation, and started bawling, which then made ME bawl. Did I mention we were at an indoor water park? Because, really, what better place to cry over your dead husband than a water park?

I hope, with time, that I can finally find a path towards finally being happy. Yet, my clueless as to how to get there has caused me an immense amount of frustration, and the feelings of failure -- how could it not be a failure on my part, after all, that I have no solid plan to fall back on? -- just make the feelings of sadness and of being trapped even worse.
Tags: death
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