רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג (aadroma) wrote,
רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג
aadroma

Life, or: why are you not here??

And life goes on. But that lingering anger still remains of Carl not being here. There's no reason he should be dead now, in my mind. Had he started caring for himself -- rather than assuming death was inevitable because of his weight -- he would still be here. And that still upsets me to this day.

I recently went to Milan, Italy -- a trip that we talked about going on together. And Italy was great; don't get me wrong. I had a great time there. But there was still that lingering knowledge that this was supposed to be our trip. This was supposed to be for US, and yet he wasn't. And that gutted me. I remember telling this in a rather raised tone with Urso in a subway station late at night, and he didn't know what to say to any of it. I can't say I blame him.

Recently the Supreme Court has led to same-sex marriage being legal in every state in the country, and while initially I was thrilled, I remembered Carl. We had just gotten marriage before he died, and we took our time because we assumed that we had time. Carl talked about getting married all the time, and we had even guessed years back as to when it would be nationwide. Carl's response was, "Pfft, I'll be fucking dead before that happens."

Fuck you Carl. Fuck you for being right. You should have been here for this, and you weren't.
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