רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג (aadroma) wrote,
רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג
aadroma

Not necessarily moving on, but moving ...

Carl and I shared a two-bedroom apartment until the day he died, and I continued to rent that apartment until now, when my lease came to an end. I had very much wanted to pick up and go elsewhere, but where? I would need work; going somewhere with no work is just stupid. I know a friend who went to Portland and couldn't find work for two years. I can't do that.

Instead of keeping the two bedroom, I told my rental office that I would go into a smaller apartment. I would be saving $1400 a month doing this, though it is much smaller than I anticipated, meaning that I need to pare down.

And part of that is getting rid of Carl's stuff. His movies, books, clothes -- it all needs to go. It kind of makes me feel like a grave robber going through his stuff but I need to do this.

Earlier this week, on my walk home, I somehow -- a year and some months after losing Carl -- had some "realisation" that he was gone. I am not sure how, but that realisation filled me with so much sorrow. I wonder if this means, that I'm not at a "total realisation" yet?
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