רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג (aadroma) wrote,
רגב אליהו ניוסטרם-יונג

A note to Carl

Dear Carl,

It has been two months since I lost you. There isn't a day that I don't think about you, or think of the things we wanted to do and share together. I think of how excited you were when it became clear that we could finally get married together, and how we assumed that we had the time to do so. I wish I had more time with you.

There isn't a day when our home isn't eerily quiet. When our bed feels painfully empty. When I see the computer desk that you sat at, wishing you were once more sitting next to me. When I think of things that I want to tell you, and suddenly I remember that I can no longer do so. When I see someone who looks like you and, for a brief second, I get excited with the thought that you're still alive, only to be brutally brought back down to earth, slapped in the face with the cold reality that you will never once come through the front door.

I can't tell you how many tears I have shed over you, or how many times I curse your having been taken from me. People say that you would want me to be happy, but there's still such an immense weight over my chest, and I can't seem to remove it from myself no matter how hard I try. I can't tell you how much of a wreck I became this past Yom Kippur as you were the one I prayed for during the yizkor service. I can't tell you how lost and aimless I have become without you by my side, nor can I tell you how difficult sometimes it can be to just go on with life.

Even writing this note has been emotionally devastating, as though writing it makes the fact that you're gone that much more real. I have had to stop a few times and wipe the tears from my eyes. Someone suggested that I pen my feeling towards you – well, actually, that's not quite it. Someone suggested writing to a lost love, and I think in that case he meant "break up," but I think that this would count, wouldn't it? Besides Yom Kippur, this note was amazingly one of the harder things I have done since I lost you.

It will take a long time before this isn't so emotionally torturous, but know that I think of you every day, and I will never stop loving you.

Tags: carl, death
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